


A leap of faith

by LiterallyAmazingPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Gettingtogether, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phanfiction, hurt Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-04-02 14:17:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4063081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyAmazingPhan/pseuds/LiterallyAmazingPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil was no stranger to death. In one of the darkest times of his life, he had lost one of his best friends back in college. When he died, it felt like he would never recover from the emptiness left in his chest. Acknowledging that he was gone felt like a punch to the gut. There were days when he still wondered if he would have ever achieved as much as he did if it wasn't for the wake-up call caused by his sudden demise, making Phil consider how short his life could be. How short his friend's life had been.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A leap of faith

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: A bit of anxiety (nothing too distressing), death, angsty angst… But there may be a happy ending in there if you're brave ;)
> 
> A/N: People were reblogging a post about imagining Phil crying and I was like: "this made the mean side of me want to write a very sad crying Phil fic", and everyone seemed to think it was a good idea (like, are you sure? U ok there, little satans? LOL) Ok, then! There you go! (I know! I have a million prompts, a sequel and the summary for the big bang to write. Just ssshhh! Be cool, OK?)
> 
> A/N 2: Also posted on tumblr

_"It can't be happening again! Oh God, this can't be happening again! Please, don't do this to me, no, no, no, no…!"_

The same words were in endless repeat in Phil's head. He couldn't breathe! He could feel himself shaking as he contemplated the situation, breathing in huge gulps of air which seemed to be doing nothing to help him calm down. In that moment, the man felt like his whole world was imploding. He had no idea how to react to the news he'd just gotten.

Oddly enough his first reaction to the news delivered through the phone wasn't crying or anything that dramatic as one would expect. He just continued the phone conversation, although shakily, and hang up a while later, standing there, frozen. How do you react to that kind of call? Of one thing Phil was certain: he was doing it wrong. There's no handbook to teach you how to handle your swirling emotions when everything seems to be hanging on the balance.

When he came to his senses again, Phil had slid down to the floor of his bedroom, trying to breathe through the actual panic thrumming all over his body. He felt like he was suffocating, clawing at his shirt and trying to calm his racing heart. All he needed was someone to come and hug him and make it all okay, but all that kept running through his mind was that he may never have it again.

The only one who would do it wasn't home.

Phil wasn't sure if he would ever come back,

_Please, tell me he's coming home,_

_Tell me he's breathing,_

_God, please, I can't lose him!_

* * *

 

Phil was no stranger to death. In one of the darkest times of his life, he had lost one of his best friends back in college. When he died, it felt like he would never recover from the emptiness left in his chest. Acknowledging that he was gone felt like a punch to the gut. There were days when he still wondered if he would have ever achieved as much as he did if it wasn't for the wake-up call caused by his sudden demise, making Phil consider how short his life could be. How short his friend's life had been.

And then there were days in which he would catch himself lost in all the what ifs. What if a disaster happened? What if Phil died in some freak accident and left his channel behind? The inevitability of death was not something that crossed his mind often, as anyone could see for his rather sunny disposition and positive outlook on life. But, of course, after having experienced losing someone who was dear to him, it was safe to say that it did cross Phil's mind a couple of times.

He just never considered it could be the other way around once again,

Losing someone had been awful enough, Phil never stopped to consider it could happen again so soon.

And now here he was, heart ripped out of his chest, a gaping hole left behind,

The pain took him by surprise as he faced the possibility of facing death yet again.

* * *

 

Numb. He sat there, absolutely numb. In the sterile environment of the hospital waiting room, the man attempted to understand the message relayed to him, but ended up getting only bits and pieces of what the doctor said.

"A serious accident"

"We can't guarantee anything right now"

"We're doing all we can for him, but you need to be prepared just in case"

_In case what? What should he prepare for?_

_How could he ever prepare for this?_

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lester, but Daniel may not make it through surgery"

And just like that the numbness was gone, only pain left in its wake.

* * *

 

Phil couldn't even describe how he felt that night. Sitting down in the cold hospital waiting room, hugging himself, he pondered once again a life of loneliness. His warmth may be forever stolen from him. Dan was - _is_ , he reprehended himself harshly - so warm and lively and so damn energetic! How could he just fade away like that? Phil refused to believe it! Dan would be fine! Fuck, they would always be fine!

He promised it was forever! He promised countless times, little promises in every paper they signed together, in every new project they decided to tackle side by side, every shared moment. Everything theirs. Could he leave just like that?

The numbness from earlier was long forgotten. Only pain took its place. Phil was familiar with loss, but never quite like this, never so painful. He couldn't stop sobbing, tears being drained out of him. He could feel himself shaking, knowing deep down that everyone was staring. He could feel the pity radiating out of them.

He didn't need pity,

He needed Dan's arms around him yet again,

He fucking needed Dan to make it better and the irony of it didn't go unnoticed.

* * *

 

It was the longest night of Phil's life, sitting in that hospital waiting room. He cried and cried, until he couldn't anymore. Then he just sat there drained, completely empty. Everything that he was could be ripped away from him at any second. A single second that could decide whether or not his life would be turned upside down.

Eventually a nurse called Dan's name and Phil shot up from his chair, shakily. A doctor came and shook his hand, compassionate eyes looking him up and down, noticing his disarray. He must have looked awful after all that crying, but he honestly couldn't care less right now.

_He just needed to know what the doctor had to say…_

_Or did he?_

* * *

 

_"If"_

There were so many _ifs_ attached to Dan's prognosis. So many possibilities for everything to go wrong.

_If there wasn't brain damage_

_If there wasn't any bad reaction to the surgery_

_If he woke up_

_If…_

And yet all Phil could hear was that he was still alive. He was still breathing.

It was the first time he felt like he could breathe ever since that damned phone call.

* * *

 

Everyone kept saying how unconscious people in hospitals looked like they were peacefully sleeping.

Well, they were all lying, Phil supposed.

Looking at the hospital bed, he didn't see Dan, his lively best friend with a hasty personality.

_It looked like he was long gone._

Pale, immobile, strapped to so many machines to keep him alive.

Sitting down next to him in a chair, Phil felt like he was looking at death all over again and he couldn't hold back the sobs that escaped his lips.

Tears streaming down his face once more, Phil grabbed his best friend's hand and brought it to his face, lightly kissing it before bringing it even closer and rubbing his cheek on it, wordlessly trying to convey his affection.

He held his hand between his own and cried some more, resting his head onto the bed next to his friend and silently pleading for any deity there was to save him, to no avail.

He wasn't sure if there was anyone actually listening as he tried to rub some warmth back into Dan's cold and motionless hand.

* * *

 

The boy took a turn for the worse during the night and Phil had never in his life been more terrified. He woke up from a short nap to blaring machines and doctor rushing in, dragging him away from Dan and dashing around trying to stabilize him.

Phil heard screaming, but he wasn't sure if it was his own voice or someone else's anymore. All he knew was the wetness of his cheeks as doctors tried to keep his whole world alive. God, Dan couldn't breathe! Phil could see him heaving desperately, even unconscious, trying to get some oxygen inside his body. Somehow, it wasn't working.

He felt himself pulling on his own hair, willing it all to get better.

Willing it all to never ever ever ever have happened to them.

_Not again, not again, not again, not again…_

* * *

 

It was worse this time, the idea of losing him. Phil had never had someone as close as Dan. They shared absolutely everything with each other. They were never ashamed or felt weird about anything around each other. They had the most amazing companionship and everyone envied them a bit for being that close. They were soulmates in every sense of the word, really, as their fans pointed out whenever they had the chance to.

Well, _would they envy the pain I'm going through right now?_

Bigger-than-life Dan Howell. Phil could hardly imagine him gone. His warm brown eyes would fade away into nothingness. His loud laugh. _Loud, loud_. Dan's loud personality, bright, pure joy. No matter how sarcastic or mean he tried to act, Phil knew how sweet the boy had always been. A wonderful soul.

Maybe he was too wonderful for this world and that's why he never really belonged. Maybe that's why life tried to rip him away from Phil. Maybe he just didn't deserve him and was being rightfully punished for ever thinking he did.

Phil always figured he would die first and never would have to deal with the idea of losing his best friend. Dan was younger, after all. So alive and energetic and _warm._ Phil held his cold hand again between his own, willing it all to never have happened.

But it did and there they were.

* * *

 

The worst had passed, the doctors said.

He survived that bump on the road to recovery. Now he just needed to wake up for them to check the damage.

A sliver of hope started to shine in Phil's heart when he felt Dan's fingers moving, as thought he was subconsciously trying to squeeze his friend's hand back in reassurance.

A reminder that he was still there, alive,

Phil wasn't ashamed of the happy tears he shed then.

* * *

 

He wasn't there when Dan first woke up, much to his dismay after spending the last few days glued to his bedside.

After a lot of coaxing from friends and family who called him to express their sentiments, - he was surprised that everyone knew already, since he didn't even consider calling, but apparently it had been on the news, - he headed home for a bit to take a shower and have a real lunch.

Breathing fresh air without knowing if Dan would be okay felt like choking all over again and he hated every second of it.

He sent a vaguely comforting tweet to his desperate followers, who were almost as desperate to know if Dan was going to make it as he was. Phil wasn't sure how well the actual text turned out, but he tweeted something and apologized for not telling them anything sooner. He said he would "let them know if Dan got better". Before hitting send, he stopped himself, changing the " _if"_ to " _when",_ a small reassurance he himself needed to make it through.

He regretted missing Dan waking up, though. When he came back to the hospital, the boy had been taken away for lots of tests to see how extensive the damage was and if he would recover completely or not.

Things looked good, a doctor had said.

We could be looking at a full recovery

 _A miracle_ , they said,

But Phil wouldn't believe in miracles until he could wrap his arms around Dan yet again and feel him hugging back.

* * *

 

Phil was young when he lost his university friend. The inevitability of death hadn't occurred to him yet, but, when it did, it pushed him to do bigger and better things with his life. To take chances and believe in his dreams. Meeting Dan was one of the things that could never have happened if he hadn't stepped out of his comfort zone. It helped him become the person he was today, so he supposed there was always a good side to any tragic situation.

Contemplating losing Dan had made him realize that he had grown comfortable again in his own little world. He stopped taking many chances, just sticking to what he was used to doing. Looking back on it he felt like, with Dan by his side, he could do whatever he wanted. His best friend made him feel strong and amazing like no one else ever did. It's funny to look at your own life with some distancing and realize that you could be doing so much more if you only just took a leap of faith.

Phil had just figured out what his own leap of faith was

He vowed to try it when Dan got better.

Not if, but _when_ , he repeated to himself, holding on to hope.

* * *

 

When Dan woke up again, Phil was sat down in a chair next to the hospital bed, looking at nothing in particular. He heard some sounds leaving Dan's lips and looked down to see him blinking his heavy eyelids open, making an effort to wake up.

"Dan," he called his name, watching his eyes focus on his face. A small smile appeared in the injured boy's lips and Phil didn't know how to react. He couldn't breathe for a completely different reason now, dumbstruck by the idea that he could finally look into Dan's eyes again, "Dan!"

He felt the tears beginning to fill his eyes again and he did the only thing he knew how to do right now: Phil jumped out of his chair and awkwardly hugged Dan with one arm, as gently as he could, afraid of breaking him. He could feel more than see Dan's smile growing as he hugged back, a soft laugh leaving his lips.

That was when Phil finally believed,

Now he knew that they would be just fine.

* * *

 

The doctors were quite impressed with Dan's recovery. He didn't have brain damage or any other serious complication from the surgery. It was a big scare, but they were now confident to say Dan would make a full recovery in time.

Phil had never felt a bigger joy than hearing the doctors being overtly positive about his chances after so many doubts.

Relieved, Phil threaded his fingers through the boy's curly hair as he slept, a smile taking over his whole face as Dan snuggled more comfortably in his sheets.

He couldn't deny the fluttering feeling on his chest any longer if he tried.

* * *

 

It took some time until they were sent back home, but it eventually happened. In the meantime, however, Phil had to cut back on the visits and spend more time actually working (he did take some time away from posting videos on his channel and the fans understood, but he had to keep everything else in motion). Also, the nurses and doctors all hated him already for staying for so long.

During that time, Phil thanked the fans profusely. He still believed that, as cliché as it sounded, the power of their love had helped Dan through it somehow. And he couldn't be more grateful for their support in a time like this.

Dan's family also came to visit him in the hospital, as did many of their friends, so he didn't require Phil's company that frequently. Phil tried to convince himself that he didn't miss Dan a lot while he wasn't there, but the truth was he had this urge to check if he was still alive and well all the time after that huge scare. So it was a relief to have him back home, despite the fact that the medication made him loopy and tired, so all he did was spend most of the time in his own room, sleeping by himself.

At least until later in the night, when Phil woke up to his sounds of distress on the other side of the wall and worriedly ran to his room, walking in on him having a violent nightmare about the accident that landed him in this whole mess. After that, Dan pretty much spent his time sleeping in Phil's room, right next to him as it should be.

Whenever Phil felt the sadness return, he seized Dan's wrist and felt his pulse.

Strong, alive, warm

Everything he could ever ask for.

* * *

 

Phil was sitting down on the couch in the lounge, when Dan finally decided to get out of his bedroom. The boy plopped down very close to him and mindlessly looked at the TV in silence. Phil stared at him for a minute, knowing that his thoughts were elsewhere. He had always been patient when it came to Dan, so he waited for a while until he said something in his own time.

"Phil," he started, softly, brown eyes gazing right at his face with a quizzical expression, "how bad was it?"

"What? The accident?" He nodded and Phil gulped, trying to calm down his own emotions, "Huh.. Really really bad, I gather. The car was totaled, if that's what you mean."

"What about me?" He kept pushing and Phil actually felt himself getting angry at him before he controlled himself, understanding his curiosity.

"Well, what do you think?" The annoyance must have come through in his tone as Dan raised his eyebrows a bit, impressed.

"Wow, no need to go all sassy on me," he chuckled, "I just… Did they think I wasn't going to… You know?" He made a vague hand gesture to which Phil scoffed, trying and failing to hide the emotions running through him yet again.

"It was bad, Dan. Real bad. Can we just leave it at this, please?" Phil tried to hide the shakiness of his voice, but Dan looked concerned, meeting his eyes.

"I'm sorry! I didn't even think about how it must have felt for you," Dan said, softly, suddenly looking down at his own lap, "I understand if you'd rather not talk about it"

"Thanks,", he answered, feeling the tears welling up in his eyes before he could stop them.

He tried to sneakily clean up the droplets which had stubbornly rolled down his cheeks, but Dan looked up right on time and caught him in the act.

Figuring there was no use hiding anymore, Phil looked down at his own lap again and mumbled, "I was really scared, Dan. They said you weren't going to make it and I didn't know… I didn't…" he was cut off by his own tears, choking any of his attempts at speaking.

Phil didn't dare to look up and see the pity in Dan's eyes. He knew it would be there. Before he could do anything at all, though, he felt two arms encircling his body in a comforting hug. The man automatically hugged back, surrounded by the smell and the tightness of his best friend's firm embrace. He let himself go even more, resting his head on Dan's shoulder, tears wetting his shirt.

"I'm so sorry. Please don't cry," he could hear Dan's voice shaking and he supposed he might be crying too, "I can never stand to see you cry," he rubbed his best friend's back gently, holding him close as he sobbed the pain away, "I'm here. I promise I'm okay now."

"I thought I was going to lose you," Phil confessed when he calmed down a bit more, pulling away from the hug to look into Dan's eyes. He wasn't surprised to see they were as red as his own, "I thought it was happening again and I would lose my best friend in a freaky accident. It hurt, Dan. Much worse than last time even."

"Phil," Dan breathed out, reaching out and drying up his tears with his fingers.

The truth was Dan was not really good at this. He didn't really know what else to say to make Phil stop crying, he just knew he couldn't bear to watch him suffer. So he hugged him to his chest again and started humming, gently, in an attempt to calm him down, rocking back and forth slightly.

Phil couldn't help but smile a little bit, listening to his humming, Dan's strong heartbeat thundering in his ears.

His Dan was alive and warm right here with him, he realized once more.

So he decided it was time for him to take his leap of faith.

Phil looked up into Dan's eyes, thinking back on all the fears and insecurities that held him back all these years. The countless thoughts he used to convince himself that this is what they both wanted and nothing more. That he shouldn't risk it all on a feeling.

Right there and then, after once again realizing everything he could have lost without ever having, the absolute certainty of death once again dazzling him, Phil decided it was worth taking his chances.

He reached out and lightly caressed Dan's cheek for a second, coming closer than he ever came before. He felt the boy's warm breath mingling with his own. Dan leaned in slightly, eyes like melted chocolate staring deep into his own, a question and an invitation clearly written there for the ones who could read it.

When their lips finally met, Phil felt his heart fluttering and it felt so _right_.

As Dan circled his neck with his arms, eagerly kissing back, he knew

He felt exactly the same and now they were finally free.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to know what you think! :D


End file.
